A Jury Of His Real Peers

So a jury of eight ordinary women and four men were unable to find anything wrong with Barry Bonds other than he obstructed justice during the feds BALCO investigation. Bonds, according to the jury, was not found guilty of knowingly taking steroids. Perhaps he should have been tried by a jury of his real peers. I bet it would have made for some interesting conversations in the jury room.

Mark McGwire probably would have said in response to Barry’s increased muscle mass while he was clubbing home run after home run, “It looks to me that the defendant was probably just consuming a normal protein shake, the kind they sell at GNC while getting in extra batting practice. I find him not guilty.”

Mark’s rival and fellow juror, Sammy Sosa, would follow up with, “You know, the defendant’s head probably grew so large due to sun exposure. If he had just gone to the guy who made my ball caps, he would have given him the same cream he gave me to rub on my scalp to help the cap slide on. I find him not guilty.”

There would also be this gem from Jose Canseco, “I feel bad for the guy. I know what it is like to be an out cast in the locker room. I too once had golf ball size acne on my back and never felt comfortable changing with the rest of the team. I would just hide in the bath room. He has to be innocent.”

Manny Ramirez would then chime in with, “Barry helped me a lot and I never cheated. He was the guy who turned me onto loose fitting, extra long game pants so people would not suspect anything of my massive legs. Guys like us are not treated fairly when we have so much more testosterone than the normal guy that we have to take female fertility drugs just to test normal. It’s not fair. He is innocent.”

Finally, jury foreman, Roger Clemmens, would proclaim, “Barry is a testament of the hard work guys like us do and for what? We get no respect and we have to fight for every multimillion dollar contract we sign. I am just like Barry and guys like us would never cheat at anything. Not baseball, cards or marriage. He has to be not guilty.”

There you have it. A true jury of Barry’s peers would find Barry to be the victim of a government sting operation aimed at bringing down our top athletes and run by nerdy lawyers who are nothing more than jealous of the physical greatness these athletes have achieved. Barry should demand to be retried by a true jury of his true peers so he can clear his name once and for all.