Take Me Out To The Ball Game? No Thanks

I used to be a fan of the San Francisco Forty-niners but they lost me after eight years of crap. I did not bother to watch their Monday Night victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers and know it will take a lot more than one winning season to bring me back into the fold. I want to see how they do next year when they have to play a first place schedule for a year or two rather than this year's last place schedule. In fact, I am to the point where the off season of any sport is more enjoyable than the actual season.

The Boston Celtics, another team I used to follow passionately, also no longer interest me. I really lack any interest in the coming NBA season. I actually liked what I saw out of Boston's Jeff Green last year but now he is done for the season and perhaps forever. Here is a tip to Celtics General Manager Danny Ainge: The next time you sign a guy like Green to a one year nine million dollar contract, try making it contingent on passing a team physical. You now get to pay him to have heart surgery. If it is successful and he can resume his career next year, he will be a free agent again and maybe then you can sign him for 20 million. Brilliant move.

I stopped following baseball when they went on strike some time in the 80's. That sport is another one where the regular season is a waste of time. Six months of ESPN highlights of guys on steroids hitting home runs or players on speed making acrobatic catches gets old real fast. So does the obligatory nightly replay of a team mascot in an argument with an umpire and getting tossed out of the game. And to think, baseball wants to expand the playoffs because they think it will make the regular season more relevant. Maybe if you are a fantasy geek but the more teams that make the playoffs just makes the 162 regular season games less important in my opinion.

NCAA basketball is another sport with a pointless regular season. Just put every school in the frickin tournament and let the winner choke the life out of Dick Vitale. I will give them credit. At least they have a national champion based on a playoff system. However, how many years do we have to listen to talking heads spout off about Cinderella and her glass slipper? It's basketball. The players where free 200 dollar Nike shoes and shorts that hang down to their ankles. Every coach is a quality guy who really cares about his players and their education until another school offers him more money.

Maybe I should go back to watching the National Hockey League. Again, another pointless season with too many teams making the playoffs. Only now, we get to watch guys with scrambled brains play the game. It turns out hockey players receive more concussions than football players. Hmmm. I wonder if they are caused by the ice, the tiny helmets they wear, or the fact that they have been playing the sport since they fell out of their Canadian mother's womb? I love the missing teeth. That has to be a real turn on to the women and I am sure it is just a matter of time before the look catches on with the general public.

NCAA football is just the opposite. They actually have an exciting season and I enjoy watching the televised games. Too bad their post season is the most pointless thing on the planet. I am hoping that USC's Matt Barkley decides to come back for his senior year rather than joining the No Fun League where he can legally get paid to play a game. Am I the only one who has no interest in the Dell Computer Poinsettia Pubic Hair Bowl or whatever other bowl game they come up with? What can be more fun than watching a bowl game that amounts to nothing more than an exhibition game coached by interim coaches because the participating schools have either already fired their coach or lost him to another college?

And forget about any sport where female athletes are the participants unless it is beach volleyball. Let's face it, that's all us guys care about when it comes to women's sports. We want to see them get all hot and sweaty and live for the hope of a wardrobe malfunction. However, if that were to happen, we would probably be shocked to see that woman we were perving over sporting a three inch boner as a result of all the PED's she has been doing. You see, female athletes cheat just like males.

Okay, there is still high school sports. They provide affordable fun for the entire family, right? The last high school basketball game I attended was at Hemet High School a few years ago. The school had to call for a squad of sheriffs to break up a fight between rival groups that attended the game. You couldn't leave the gym because the combatants did not have enough sense to take their fight across the street. No, they had to brawl right outside the main exit in the school's hallway. If I wanted that as part of my sports viewing experience, I'd go to a Raider game.

I think this winter vacation, rather than watching sports on television or attending an actual game, I will just take out my old electric football set and play a game between the Packers and the Jets. By the time I set up the offenses and defenses, run the plays with all the stopping and starting of the on off switch, I figure I can get in about 20 to 25 plays a day. At that rate, I may actually squeeze in two games during vacation. Best of all, I will have the best seat in the house, can drink all the cheap beer I want, won't have to worry about work stoppages, will enjoy the free parking, and know that I won't get beat into a coma by rival fans.

If, as many people say, sports is a reflection of our society, then like everything else, it is in need of major repair.

20 Questions

1. Why does a sport with thirty teams need 160 games and six months to eliminate only 75 percent of them from the playoffs?


2. Why would any college football player turn down free sex or an envelope full of cash when the university is profiting off of his labor?


3. Who is going to pay Brett Farve to analyze football games if their isn't an NFL season this year?


4. Are there any sports left where most of the participants are not on some kind of PED?


5. If baseball is so pure, why is its all time home run leader a cheater, its all time hits leader a gambler, and it commissioner a money hungry fool?


6. Why is our broke government spending millions of dollars to prove Barry Bonds and Lance Armstrong cheated their way to greatness when there are hundreds of current athletes doing the same?


7. Do the leaders of the BCS really think they are fooling anyone?


8. Who else besides me likes a good sumo match?


9. Don't you think if the NFL really valued player safety they would go back to two way players, smaller teams, and no face masks?


10. Is there a dumber looking bunch of fans than Raider fans?


11. Why not start the NBA playoffs after the all-star break and just get them over?


12. If it is Major League Soccer then why do most of our major stars play in other countries?


13. Why should unemployed or under employed workers care if a bunch of rich athletes and owners shut down their league and cancel a season?


14. Which of these professions can we survive without: teachers, police officers, trash collectors, or professional athletes?


15. Can anyone explain to me why a college athlete on scholarship is not allowed to earn a few bucks while one on academic scholarship can?


16. If the Super Bowl is cancelled, will their still be the Lingerie Bowl?


17. Is it just me or do you also think anyone can become a draft guru?


18. Don't you think when tax payers approve a bond to build a new stadium they should have to shut up about their run down schools?


19. Would you rather lace up the cleats and go play some football outside in the rain and mud or slip on a pair of turf shoes and play indoors?


20. Am I the only person who used to think sports was the center of the universe but now realizes it only shows us all that is wrong with our country?