When I was in college, I once saw George Carlin perform in San Francisco. He was a terrific comedian whose brand of humor relied on a keen observance of human behavior with intellectual commentaries that far surpassed anything any politician could offer. It has been nearly three years since he passed away and in honor of Carlin’s life, I thought I would run some of his thoughts and observations for you to enjoy.
Always do whatever is next.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Fighting for peace is like fighting for virginity.
Have you ever noticed anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they’re cramming for their final exam.
I went to a bookstore and asked a saleswoman, “Where’s the self help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I am always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
If it is true our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
Just because you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
Not only do I not know what is going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
One can never know what a deserted area looks like.
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
Some people see things that are and ask, “Why?” Some people dream of things that never were and ask, “Why not?” Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all of that.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
The status quo sucks.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said, to themselves, “You know, I want to set these people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
Think off center.
There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and recent past.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part, do they?
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
Always do whatever is next.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Fighting for peace is like fighting for virginity.
Have you ever noticed anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they’re cramming for their final exam.
I went to a bookstore and asked a saleswoman, “Where’s the self help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I am always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
If it is true our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
Just because you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
Not only do I not know what is going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
One can never know what a deserted area looks like.
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
Some people see things that are and ask, “Why?” Some people dream of things that never were and ask, “Why not?” Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all of that.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
The status quo sucks.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said, to themselves, “You know, I want to set these people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
Think off center.
There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and recent past.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part, do they?
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
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