What The Hell Happened?

Can you help me put back the pieces of my life? Anyone, please; I woke up today and realized my world is not what it used to be or set out to be. See if you can follow and help.

I keep thinking someone slipped me something in a drink 25 years ago and I am trying to piece together the remnants of the last quarter century...mainly my career. I think some crazy Asian guy named Harry Wong did a number on me. I have no clue what happened to me but somehow I ended up in Hemet. I am just thankful to look in the mirror and see I do not have a Mike Tyson tattoo on my face. I do have a funny rash in an embarrassing spot and for some reason I crave bananas, whoppers, and ho hos. I also found out I have a strong dislike for black women of power who wear their hair in corn rows as well as disliking guys whose last name include the color green and yell a lot of nonsense.

I used to think hookers were women who strutted the streets in high boots and fur coats but now see they are emaciated addicts covered in sores and tattoos of the names of the children the courts have taken from them. When did we become a society of toothless nomads who roam the streets yelling at God while offering to clean your windshield while you park your car at Stater Brothers?

Somehow we elected a black man president whose family is from Ireland, Africa, and Hawaii while being over shadowed by a woman who sees herself as our savior while she rides on buses and forgets she has a knocked up teen age daughter and a mongoloid kid of her own at home. Wal Mart now owns what China does not want and together they have replaced the U.S. as world super powers.

I seem to recall being tossed out of a plane and into the east river just before it was flown into two large towers. However, when I go back to the scene of the crime, I see no evidence of any towers but there is some douche bag with funny hair threatening to run for president if some guy can't produce his birth certificate. I have no record of where my money went but noticed there is a shit load of taxes I pay today that did not exist back in the day. What's so special about "special taxes?"

What is really weird is before all of this went down, we used to have a governor who dated rock stars and now I see he is still governor only he is as old as rocks. Next thing you are going to tell me is that action hero movie stars have been calling the shots and threatening to destroy anyone but their maid if they get in the way.

Strangest of all is our schools. They used to be pleasant places where you could make a decent living while enjoying working with kids. If kids acted up they were sent to the Principal's office, a guy they feared, and were beaten within an inch of their lives all with the blessing of mom and dad. Now I see they are giant day care centers where kids beat each other, carry on affairs with their teachers, and sit around the quad and pound beers with their BFF, the principal.

There are two kinds of school days, test preparation days and testing days. PE is now a giant holding tank for enormous children who used to be called fat and got teased by their classmates but are now somehow considered hot and put out for anyone. Jocks were once well conditioned athletes who used to pride themselves on their athletic talent while maintaining good grades but are now a bunch of lazy asses who like to wear team jerseys but can't find the time to attend practice. Oh, and coaches are not allowed to yell at anyone because somehow now everyone has something called self esteem and if you yell at them or say anything negative it causes them to lose it and their lives head in a downward spiral.

Finally, we have a lot of TV channels. I'm not sure what is on all of them because kids use the TV to play with their wii wiis or do mortal combat with their friends. No one gives wedgies but they do text mean things about others. Good girls dress like whores and bad girls dress like ugly whores. Female teachers dress like whores and male teachers dress professionally except for me; I still wear shorts and t-shirts because I keep having a recurring dream within a dream that one day I am a PE teacher and the next a social studies teacher. Then I am a middle school teacher who becomes an elementary teacher only to become a high school teacher and all the while just wants out of teaching.

There you have it. At least what I can remember. If anyone out there can help me fill in the gaps so I can better understand what the hell has gone on, it would be greatly appreciated. Until then, how do you cure a hang over?

The Wisdom Of George Carlin

When I was in college, I once saw George Carlin perform in San Francisco. He was a terrific comedian whose brand of humor relied on a keen observance of human behavior with intellectual commentaries that far surpassed anything any politician could offer. It has been nearly three years since he passed away and in honor of Carlin’s life, I thought I would run some of his thoughts and observations for you to enjoy.

Always do whatever is next.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Fighting for peace is like fighting for virginity.

Have you ever noticed anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they’re cramming for their final exam.

I went to a bookstore and asked a saleswoman, “Where’s the self help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I am always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

If it is true our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Just because you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Not only do I not know what is going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.

One can never know what a deserted area looks like.

People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.

Some people see things that are and ask, “Why?” Some people dream of things that never were and ask, “Why not?” Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all of that.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

The status quo sucks.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said, to themselves, “You know, I want to set these people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

Think off center.

There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and recent past.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part, do they?

When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

10 THOUGHTS ON THE RUN

1. If every American were as well read as Mike Tyson, we would be a much smarter country.

2. The president extending the Patriot Act should not concern any law abiding citizen.

3. School budgets are a joke. School districts should just be given one lump sum of money and be left to spend it as they see fit.

4. I still do not see what Americans see in shows like Dancing With The Stars or American Idol.

5. Modern Family is a more accurate portrayal of America than any reality TV show.

6. Looks like I was wrong. The NBA playoffs have actually been unpredictable for a change. I still think the season is too long.

7. What's the difference between a lockout and a strike? Both result in players and ownership telling the fans they really do not care about them.

8. If republicans want to do something all Americans will appreciate, they will agree not to run against Obama in 2012 and save us all a lot of pointless political TV and radio talk.

9. Men's tennis currently has three people playing who when their careers are finished will be among the game's all time greats. However, because none are American, it will go unnoticed.

10. Nothing says Memorial Day weekend like The Hang Over Two. Unfortunately, it has nothing to do with Memorial Day.

Education Reflects Our Society

The public school system is a colossal failure and our leaders have no clue how to fix it. Our public schools need to be scrapped all together and a new system needs to be put in place if we really want to see any significant improvement. Instead, the wheel keeps getting reinvented while politicians try to find another use for our schools. Today, our public schools have become nothing more than publicly funded centers for raising children.

As long as we choose to remain a society in which married couples have to work 40 hour weeks just to get by in life our schools will be used to feed, clothe, supervise, and raise our nation's children. The world is not like it was fifty years ago when kids could safely walk to and from school on their own and at the end of the day know a parent, almost always the mother, would be home waiting to talk to them about their day. Now, instead of five channels on the television or a transistor radio for entertainment, kids have unlimited opportunities to be exposed to pornography, violent video games, and useless reality television programs when they arrive to their empty houses. It's why before and after school programs are federally funded so we can limit the mind pollutants we have made so readily available to everyone.

Another problem is we have too many of the wrong people having too many children. Unwed mothers, often mere teenagers who lack a basic education or moral foundation, are bringing in too many children and are ill equiped to raise them. Their absentee fathers who ignore their parental responsibilities compound matters and by the time their kid enters kindergarten, he has been exposed to more social ills than any human should ever have to face. This is a primary reason why you see the push for mandatory preschool programs to be monitored by our public schools. It's okay for anyone to have a baby because the state has decided to raise our kids for us. The problem is, how many government programs are well run and managed? What makes us think the government will raise our children any better than they manage their budget?

By the time these children reach public school, they are not only lacking developmentally, their social skills, impulsiveness, and anger pretty much guarantee they will never succeed in school. Teaching them is not as important as managing and monitoring their behavior with the hope they get through the system without being incarcerated as a youth.

Our public schools can not be fixed until we repair the growing ills of a society caught up in the over consumption of disposable products that saturate our brains with endless advertising designed to brainwash us into thinking happiness comes from owning stuff and not from the satisfaction of doing without in order to raise the people we bring into this world. Grades mean nothing to kids who equate love with how many electronic devices their parents have provided for them because they are never around for them. Life has become a negotiation to a generation of students use to asking , "What do I get if I do this?" rather than being raised to say, "I appreciate all the help you have given me."

So the next time you hear a politician tell you how they support education reform, ask him how he intends to do it. If it is within the current frame work, one run and controlled by the federal government, then all it will do is continue to enable a screwed up society. Real education reform will not happen in this country until there is real social reform. You can't have one without the other.

Memo To The President

Mr. President:

I do not want to rain on your parade but I think it is important to remind you what goes up comes back down. You are bound to receive a boost in the polls in the wake of the killing of Osama Bin Laden; however, remember 41 and 43.

George Herbert Walker Bush, aka 41, became the most popular president ever after the success of Desert Storm. His approval ratings topped 90 percent and his re election seemed assured. Then he made the mistake of going back on his promise, "No new taxes," and he found himself having to fend off both Bill Clinton and Ross Perot. Facing the choice of a mud slinging campaign or just going through the motions, Bush took the high ground and lost.

Not to be out done by his father, George W. Bush, aka 43, was also the recipient of a tremendous poll boost following the defeat of Iraq and the fall of Saadam Hussein. However, after the military stalled and questions were raised over the issue of weapons of mass destruction and 43's handling of the economy, it took all of Bush's political weaponry to win a close re election over John Kerry.

November 2012 is a long ways away for the attention deficit voting public. Bin Laden's demise will have been long replaced by months of coverage on the state of the economy, on-going wars abroad, and who knows what else. If you are counting on riding the current wave of success to re election next year, you could be making a huge mistake.

Republicans now have a year and a half to reshape the war issue to their favor. They can focus their argument on how you handle our military involvement and its cost after Bin Laden is long gone and blame our continuing involvement on you. You will be held accountable for the state of our economy and will not be able to blame it on the republicans while also being called into question on your stance on health care, gay marriage, and other wedge issues.

If you want to be assured of re election, you will need more political victories down the road, both at home and abroad, or an impatient and memory lacking voting public will choose to go in another direction.

Why I Will Vote For Obama In 2012

President Obama will get my vote in the 2012 election. I do not care who the Republicans throw at him, he has proven himself as far as I am concerned. His patience and precision are what we need, not just from our President, but as an example to how to lead our own lives.

President Obama received word of Osama Bin Laden’s whereabouts last August and yet he waited until May to take him out. He surely could have used a boost last fall with the elections not looking good for him and his party. A successful mission in September would have made democrats look like the party that can get things done and might have been enough to keep the senate under their control. I think, had George W. Bush been in the same position, he would have done everything he could to take out Bin Laden before the election.

President Obama will get my vote because he clearly showed he could put the best interest of the democratic party and his own political needs on hold to make sure the job was done right. He was not going to make the mistake Jimmy Carter made when he hastily put together a rescue mission for the American hostages in Iran only to see it turn into such a major blunder he was never able to recover politically from it.

Obama showed that a few months of patience yields much greater results than the too quick to take credit approach of his predecessor; remember Bush on the flight deck of an aircraft carrier declaring victory to a war still being fought? He made sure the military had all of the necessary intelligence and time to train for a mission that if it failed would probably cost him his reelection, not to mention the lives of several military personnel. In his announcement to the American public, he did not gloat or boast but rather delivered the message all of us have waited nearly ten years to hear in a business like manner that reminded us the war against terror is not over. He made certain Bin Laden’s body was handled according to Islamic custom rather than fanning the flames by televising soldiers or locals desecrating it in celebration.

In a day and age dominated by reality television and self promotion, it is refreshing to have a leader who seems determined to set an example to us that we can accomplish great things without boasting or demeaning in the process. It is for these reasons and not his politics I will cast my vote for President Obama in 2012.